another that has come to me from a wonderful mom.... and another i do not know who to give credit to.....
Before I was a Mom,
I never tripped over toys
or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not
my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.
Before I was a Mom,
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind
and my thoughts.
I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom,
I never held down a screaming child
so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night
watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom,
I never held a sleeping baby just because
I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
when I couldn't stop the hurt..
I never knew that something so small
could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom..
Before I was a Mom,
I didn't know the feeling of
having my heart outside my body..
I didn't know how special it could feel
to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond
between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small
could make me feel so important and happy.
Before I was a Mom,
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth,
the joy,
the love,
the heartache,
the wonderment
or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much,
before I was a Mom
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
enough.....
this is not mine but i sure wish it was..... i do not know who should receive the credit.
I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.
I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.
Friday, April 10, 2009
shadows
my ex husband, trevor's father, is working on a super top secret mother's day present for me from trevor. he asked that i choose my favorite picture of trevor and give it to him.... he stressed to make sure it was my favorite.... i asked if he was tattooing my son with this picture as he seemed so very serious about this "favorite" status.... he assured me that, no, there will be no tattooing involved. thankfully, also, my son has said, at this point anyhow, he will not get a tattoo. possible his father and i have served as a "good" bad example in the tattoo arena.
so, the other night, when i should have been reading, i decided to peruse all of my 7 photo albums (which do not contain pictures taken since the procurement of a digital camera) with the sole purpose of finding my one single favorite picture of my incredibly adorable, uber handsome and generally amusing in front of the camera son.
this proved, as you may assume, quite a task. i have actually yet to discover the picture i would be sure enough of to call my "favorite". additionally, on top of this, i have a new problem..... if you could call it a problem.
looking at most of the pictures, i remembered good times and smiled. certainly, just looking at my son in various stages of costume, dress and undress, infant, toddler and growing kiddo, messy, clean, happy, sad, sick, injured or well brought warmth to my heart and a smile to my face.
there were photos, however, which made me sad, which gave me knots in my stomach, which made me remember times that were so incredibly painful, lonely, angry, fearful and just overall bad. even the happy photos made me sad to a degree, unfortunately, in spite of the happy memories initially triggered.
i remembered not just the day or the moment but the time. i remembered the decision to move, ultimately both a good and a bad decision, and all of the events captured through photograph which followed.
had we not moved, i cannot now say what would not have happened over the course of the next 4 years. i do not know that we would have spiraled so completely out of control to a point where ultimate implosion was inevitable. i do not know if a death would have been delayed, perhaps by years even. i do not know that i would now be a single mom, working hard and going to school trying to make life better. i do not know that i would be as strong and independent, for better or worse, as i see myself today.
i do not know that i can speak to all of the elements of my life and the lives of my family and close friends which may have been altered by this decision made 7 years ago this summer.
had we stayed, the bad we were already waist deep in would certainly not have gone away, would most likely have worsened. i feel, though, it would most likely not have culminated in the events which eventually transpired.
i believe i would be in a similar place as i am today, perhaps less focused and just a little less me.... maybe more a shadow of who i am today.
i do not know how trevor would be different, how brian would be different.... i do know, though, that the pictures make me sad when i think about what my little family was going through and am grateful beyond words i have access to that my son sees only pictures and not the memories in between.
so, the other night, when i should have been reading, i decided to peruse all of my 7 photo albums (which do not contain pictures taken since the procurement of a digital camera) with the sole purpose of finding my one single favorite picture of my incredibly adorable, uber handsome and generally amusing in front of the camera son.
this proved, as you may assume, quite a task. i have actually yet to discover the picture i would be sure enough of to call my "favorite". additionally, on top of this, i have a new problem..... if you could call it a problem.
looking at most of the pictures, i remembered good times and smiled. certainly, just looking at my son in various stages of costume, dress and undress, infant, toddler and growing kiddo, messy, clean, happy, sad, sick, injured or well brought warmth to my heart and a smile to my face.
there were photos, however, which made me sad, which gave me knots in my stomach, which made me remember times that were so incredibly painful, lonely, angry, fearful and just overall bad. even the happy photos made me sad to a degree, unfortunately, in spite of the happy memories initially triggered.
i remembered not just the day or the moment but the time. i remembered the decision to move, ultimately both a good and a bad decision, and all of the events captured through photograph which followed.
had we not moved, i cannot now say what would not have happened over the course of the next 4 years. i do not know that we would have spiraled so completely out of control to a point where ultimate implosion was inevitable. i do not know if a death would have been delayed, perhaps by years even. i do not know that i would now be a single mom, working hard and going to school trying to make life better. i do not know that i would be as strong and independent, for better or worse, as i see myself today.
i do not know that i can speak to all of the elements of my life and the lives of my family and close friends which may have been altered by this decision made 7 years ago this summer.
had we stayed, the bad we were already waist deep in would certainly not have gone away, would most likely have worsened. i feel, though, it would most likely not have culminated in the events which eventually transpired.
i believe i would be in a similar place as i am today, perhaps less focused and just a little less me.... maybe more a shadow of who i am today.
i do not know how trevor would be different, how brian would be different.... i do know, though, that the pictures make me sad when i think about what my little family was going through and am grateful beyond words i have access to that my son sees only pictures and not the memories in between.
Thursday, April 09, 2009
q&a
the answer: because mothers are expected to devote their lives to their children. fathers are not. if a mother sets aside "one special day" to "devote to her children" she is viewed as neglectful as all days should be for her children.
the question: why are fathers regarded as "exceptional" fathers when they take "one special day" to spend with their children?
i do not want this to appear in any manner that i am complaining about the time i devote to my son. i love my son and each and every moment i get to spend with him - i only wish there was more. i do, however, find it incredibly sexist to regard the father who has 95% of his time to himself as something special over the mother who devotes the same 95% (probably 98%) of her time to her child.
my schedule is quite wonderful actually. i work 5 days a week (from home) from about 7am to 4 or 5pm. tuesdays, wednesdays, fridays, saturdays and sundays i fit in time for the gym. tuesdays, wednesdays and sundays this time is usually limited to about 90 minutes. fridays and saturdays i usually get in 120 - 150 minutes. i go to school on monday and thursday nights. mondays, i take trevor to his dads and i pick trevor up from his dads when class is done. thursday, trevor stays the night with his dad as that is the way it has been for about 4 years now. fridays, trevor is with his dad as well. this night, friday, would be my one night a week, after work until 5 and the gym, to do what i please. this works fine for me (and for trevor) and i would not change what we have arranged.
i would, however, appreciate someone talking some sense into the people who see something miraculous in the following: "no work or gym friday. im devoting the day to my children" first, i would like to point out that both said children will be in school until 3 and 330. that removes a solid portion of the day. this is not miraculous..... this is a parent spending the hours of 3ish to the hours of bedtime with his children. this should be NORMAL!!!
this same father got upset with me about the cost (gasp - children are not free???) associated with the three (yes, i know) dr appointments i made the time to get trevor to this week (both during and after school). the same appointments which made me late for school and skip the gym so trev could get his homework done so he could have a playdate on wednesday..... no, there was no appreciation for my doing what i could to ensure trevor's health.... there was, "how much is this going to cost"....
i am not looking for comments about how wonderful a mother i am. i do not need to hear that it is amazing i balance so much. i do not need reassurance. what i do need is fathers to understand that time with their children is not "babysitting" and is not to be held in special regard as "above and beyond" the call of duty. be a father. be a parent. be real for your kids and teach your sons fathers have as much a responsibility to their children as the mothers do.
the question: why are fathers regarded as "exceptional" fathers when they take "one special day" to spend with their children?
i do not want this to appear in any manner that i am complaining about the time i devote to my son. i love my son and each and every moment i get to spend with him - i only wish there was more. i do, however, find it incredibly sexist to regard the father who has 95% of his time to himself as something special over the mother who devotes the same 95% (probably 98%) of her time to her child.
my schedule is quite wonderful actually. i work 5 days a week (from home) from about 7am to 4 or 5pm. tuesdays, wednesdays, fridays, saturdays and sundays i fit in time for the gym. tuesdays, wednesdays and sundays this time is usually limited to about 90 minutes. fridays and saturdays i usually get in 120 - 150 minutes. i go to school on monday and thursday nights. mondays, i take trevor to his dads and i pick trevor up from his dads when class is done. thursday, trevor stays the night with his dad as that is the way it has been for about 4 years now. fridays, trevor is with his dad as well. this night, friday, would be my one night a week, after work until 5 and the gym, to do what i please. this works fine for me (and for trevor) and i would not change what we have arranged.
i would, however, appreciate someone talking some sense into the people who see something miraculous in the following: "no work or gym friday. im devoting the day to my children" first, i would like to point out that both said children will be in school until 3 and 330. that removes a solid portion of the day. this is not miraculous..... this is a parent spending the hours of 3ish to the hours of bedtime with his children. this should be NORMAL!!!
this same father got upset with me about the cost (gasp - children are not free???) associated with the three (yes, i know) dr appointments i made the time to get trevor to this week (both during and after school). the same appointments which made me late for school and skip the gym so trev could get his homework done so he could have a playdate on wednesday..... no, there was no appreciation for my doing what i could to ensure trevor's health.... there was, "how much is this going to cost"....
i am not looking for comments about how wonderful a mother i am. i do not need to hear that it is amazing i balance so much. i do not need reassurance. what i do need is fathers to understand that time with their children is not "babysitting" and is not to be held in special regard as "above and beyond" the call of duty. be a father. be a parent. be real for your kids and teach your sons fathers have as much a responsibility to their children as the mothers do.
Monday, March 30, 2009
road trip 2009
the trip was incredible....
lots of driving (4 days worth when it comes down to it) but so much amazing time w my dad and my son.... my dad actually called it the trip of a lifetime. that still chokes me up!!!
we left north texas on sunday (early) and began our trek. along the way, we met some interesting and some scary people, saw some really odd things (its ok motel) and thankfully did not experience any speed traps!!! we made it safely to albuquerque where we had quite possibly the most incredibly horrible 'new mex' dinner any of us have ever experienced and then had a nice slumber before we hit the road again.... this time all the way to grand canyon az!
along the way on day 2, we visited the ice caves and bandura volcano where my dad considered setting up shop with the shop attendee..... we traveled off the highway for an hour or so through indian reservations (the Zuni was the most notable) and then were back on track.... before long, we stopped at the painted desert and the petrified forest..... shhhh but we have a $325 rock from the forest!!!
after all that, we made it to grand canyon az just about 5 or 6 az time and checked into a very nice hotel just outside the south rim. another not so super dinner at cafe bad (or was it yippee i crap, i cant remember the order of horrid dining experiences!!)
the canyon was our main attraction for the next two and a half days.... we hiked, spied, sat, experienced, wandered and awed at the majesty of our surroundings.... trev and i both fell at different times and my dad showed his true inner strength on the hike back out the canyon (1.5 miles of steep up mountain!!)
the two of them were just contagious!
it was also fun to poke some fun at my dad when we were completing the hike out of the canyon (1.5 in and then back up and out)..... I called him the little engine that could and then sang the rocky theme from when he is running up the steps.... was pretty good.... even got a few chuckles from on lookers who commented that 'there is one in every family'....
things I will never forget.
all in all, visiting the bandura volcano, ice caves, painted desert, petrified forest, various indian reservations and the canyon (rim trail and bright angel trail), it was really just the most!!
i was so lucky to be able to spend the entire week with my two favorite guys EVER!!! i think the next trip we are considering is further west to cali.... i have never been and neither has trev. think the last time my dad was there would have been the early 70s so think we are all in for a super adventure!!!
i have to say i am the luckiest chicky ever!!!
pics are on facebook (look for me) if you are interested. 318 taken all together, just over 100 posted!!
i sadly cannot get them to post here but i do have links -
scenery - http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=20596&id=1022198428&l=daece9f509
people shots - http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=20591&id=1022198428&l=536465f2a3
lots of driving (4 days worth when it comes down to it) but so much amazing time w my dad and my son.... my dad actually called it the trip of a lifetime. that still chokes me up!!!
we left north texas on sunday (early) and began our trek. along the way, we met some interesting and some scary people, saw some really odd things (its ok motel) and thankfully did not experience any speed traps!!! we made it safely to albuquerque where we had quite possibly the most incredibly horrible 'new mex' dinner any of us have ever experienced and then had a nice slumber before we hit the road again.... this time all the way to grand canyon az!
along the way on day 2, we visited the ice caves and bandura volcano where my dad considered setting up shop with the shop attendee..... we traveled off the highway for an hour or so through indian reservations (the Zuni was the most notable) and then were back on track.... before long, we stopped at the painted desert and the petrified forest..... shhhh but we have a $325 rock from the forest!!!
after all that, we made it to grand canyon az just about 5 or 6 az time and checked into a very nice hotel just outside the south rim. another not so super dinner at cafe bad (or was it yippee i crap, i cant remember the order of horrid dining experiences!!)
the canyon was our main attraction for the next two and a half days.... we hiked, spied, sat, experienced, wandered and awed at the majesty of our surroundings.... trev and i both fell at different times and my dad showed his true inner strength on the hike back out the canyon (1.5 miles of steep up mountain!!)
the two of them were just contagious!
it was also fun to poke some fun at my dad when we were completing the hike out of the canyon (1.5 in and then back up and out)..... I called him the little engine that could and then sang the rocky theme from when he is running up the steps.... was pretty good.... even got a few chuckles from on lookers who commented that 'there is one in every family'....
things I will never forget.
all in all, visiting the bandura volcano, ice caves, painted desert, petrified forest, various indian reservations and the canyon (rim trail and bright angel trail), it was really just the most!!
i was so lucky to be able to spend the entire week with my two favorite guys EVER!!! i think the next trip we are considering is further west to cali.... i have never been and neither has trev. think the last time my dad was there would have been the early 70s so think we are all in for a super adventure!!!
i have to say i am the luckiest chicky ever!!!
pics are on facebook (look for me) if you are interested. 318 taken all together, just over 100 posted!!
i sadly cannot get them to post here but i do have links -
scenery - http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=20596&id=1022198428&l=daece9f509
people shots - http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=20591&id=1022198428&l=536465f2a3
hmmmmm......
i wonder how many people received this (broadcast) text message from miami???
Man, i've had such a freakin good time! I could die tonight happy. Cant wait to see ya when i get back and tell ya about it!
sent sunday night @ 11:48pm cst.
i do not believe for one second that i was the only intended recipient..... why? i cant believe he "cant wait" to see me (ME!) when he gets back.....
my reply (after much consideration about the consequences)...
Surprised u cant wait to see me... Then, the msg sounds kinds like a broadcast... Glad u are having a great time though!
i must admit it feels supremely wonderful to understand what is what..... and make decisions about what will be what.....
Man, i've had such a freakin good time! I could die tonight happy. Cant wait to see ya when i get back and tell ya about it!
sent sunday night @ 11:48pm cst.
i do not believe for one second that i was the only intended recipient..... why? i cant believe he "cant wait" to see me (ME!) when he gets back.....
my reply (after much consideration about the consequences)...
Surprised u cant wait to see me... Then, the msg sounds kinds like a broadcast... Glad u are having a great time though!
i must admit it feels supremely wonderful to understand what is what..... and make decisions about what will be what.....
Sunday, March 22, 2009
lighter
i completely forgot to mention in 'light' a critical part of the conversation w my cycle instructor who is beautiful, by the way....
we were talking away about how hard it is to find that middle place that appears so unattainable. the place where one feels great, looks great and is healthy, mind and body. she mentioned how hard it is when you get to that threshold place..... the thin but not yet thin enough (in your mind) place and how hard it is to get that last little bit just as you would like it..... those last 10 pounds, that last dress size, that bikini ready body...... that photoshopped self (thank you mama).....
she confided that, way back when she and her now husband were just dating, she had told him how horrible she felt and that she wanted to go throw up..... several things immediately came to my mind when she said this, so much that i was almost unable to continue actively participating in the conversation:
1) how incredible it must be to believe in someones love for you enough to confide to them something they can use to destroy you
2) how horrible it is i immediately believe someone would use a confession like this to destroy another
3) how painfully envious of her i was that he replied to her that she was beautiful and that 'they' needed to nip this thought in the bud
4) how much i hate that i am her at that moment every single day of my life
5) the realization at that moment that i wished i was part of an us that loved me enough to want me to be healthy and happy
even now, i have a tear..... even now, i am envious..... even now, i know a confession of this sort, or any sort related, would render me helpless to the complete whims of a person who then would have the tools necessary to bring me to my knees..... and who probably would use those tools to do just that.....
how much my heart and soul ache to have someone who just loves me..... simply me..... cracks and all....
we were talking away about how hard it is to find that middle place that appears so unattainable. the place where one feels great, looks great and is healthy, mind and body. she mentioned how hard it is when you get to that threshold place..... the thin but not yet thin enough (in your mind) place and how hard it is to get that last little bit just as you would like it..... those last 10 pounds, that last dress size, that bikini ready body...... that photoshopped self (thank you mama).....
she confided that, way back when she and her now husband were just dating, she had told him how horrible she felt and that she wanted to go throw up..... several things immediately came to my mind when she said this, so much that i was almost unable to continue actively participating in the conversation:
1) how incredible it must be to believe in someones love for you enough to confide to them something they can use to destroy you
2) how horrible it is i immediately believe someone would use a confession like this to destroy another
3) how painfully envious of her i was that he replied to her that she was beautiful and that 'they' needed to nip this thought in the bud
4) how much i hate that i am her at that moment every single day of my life
5) the realization at that moment that i wished i was part of an us that loved me enough to want me to be healthy and happy
even now, i have a tear..... even now, i am envious..... even now, i know a confession of this sort, or any sort related, would render me helpless to the complete whims of a person who then would have the tools necessary to bring me to my knees..... and who probably would use those tools to do just that.....
how much my heart and soul ache to have someone who just loves me..... simply me..... cracks and all....
light....
victoria beckham is beautiful..... i love the thin look..... honestly, i would love to have her body...... i looked at her newest (?) sans much clothing ad for armani at the express warning of my dear friend mama in stilettos.... feel free to take a peek (sorry but i dont know how to hyperlink here) - http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1163448/Victoria-Beckham-bends-backwards-look-sexy-smouldering-Armani-lingerie-ad.html.
as much as i love the thin look, i want to stick a fork in her mouth! she appears bent in utter hunger induced exhaustion..... as much, also, as this pains me, i want to be able to do whatever it is she is doing to look the way she looks......
i was talking to one of my cycle instructors (and friends), a beautiful mom of 1 and expectant mom of #2, at the gym and discussed how there is such a fine middle road for women (and becoming also for men)..... too much or too little and you are shunned..... the middle? that is for the extremely rare few.....
my reply to mama above when i looked at the photo - yep, i want to go purge now..... and then padlock my fridge and pantry..... of which my new bikini's are hanging..... barf!
i will not ever be this thin nor do i believe i will ever reach the media and societal influenced 'perfect' vision of my most awesome self..... this person, this thin beauty, is not real and is not possible. i so much wish i did not want to be her with such painful and heartbreaking intensity. i do so much, though, want to be her each and every time i look in the mirror.....
when i look in the mirror or at my body in the shower or while in various stages of dress, i see what others can not. even if they see, they do not see the imperfection in the same glaring light i am victim to. they see me most likely.... just who i am. simply me....
i believe there are some who see me and love me for me..... some, not many.
i believe there are more who see me and love me for what i can give..... more, but not all.
i believe there are others who take sick pleasure in shining a light on all the tiny parts of myself which are not perfect..... the parts that are still 'works in progress'..... the parts of my self i try my best to cover..... some, even, the parts of my self for which i am ashamed.....
these parts of my self, both external and internal, physical and emotional, present and past, are just me..... i have made mistakes, failed, hurt and disappointed many im sure in my 30ish years..... i have also loved, helped, cared for and been a shoulder to, i hope, many more....
overall, i am simply me..... imperfections internal and external. all i can hope for is to be loved and valued for what and who i am today and tomorrow and forgiven for who and what i may have been yesterday.... love me in spite of and hopefully, eventually, because of, all of who i am..... some day....
as much as i love the thin look, i want to stick a fork in her mouth! she appears bent in utter hunger induced exhaustion..... as much, also, as this pains me, i want to be able to do whatever it is she is doing to look the way she looks......
i was talking to one of my cycle instructors (and friends), a beautiful mom of 1 and expectant mom of #2, at the gym and discussed how there is such a fine middle road for women (and becoming also for men)..... too much or too little and you are shunned..... the middle? that is for the extremely rare few.....
my reply to mama above when i looked at the photo - yep, i want to go purge now..... and then padlock my fridge and pantry..... of which my new bikini's are hanging..... barf!
i will not ever be this thin nor do i believe i will ever reach the media and societal influenced 'perfect' vision of my most awesome self..... this person, this thin beauty, is not real and is not possible. i so much wish i did not want to be her with such painful and heartbreaking intensity. i do so much, though, want to be her each and every time i look in the mirror.....
when i look in the mirror or at my body in the shower or while in various stages of dress, i see what others can not. even if they see, they do not see the imperfection in the same glaring light i am victim to. they see me most likely.... just who i am. simply me....
i believe there are some who see me and love me for me..... some, not many.
i believe there are more who see me and love me for what i can give..... more, but not all.
i believe there are others who take sick pleasure in shining a light on all the tiny parts of myself which are not perfect..... the parts that are still 'works in progress'..... the parts of my self i try my best to cover..... some, even, the parts of my self for which i am ashamed.....
these parts of my self, both external and internal, physical and emotional, present and past, are just me..... i have made mistakes, failed, hurt and disappointed many im sure in my 30ish years..... i have also loved, helped, cared for and been a shoulder to, i hope, many more....
overall, i am simply me..... imperfections internal and external. all i can hope for is to be loved and valued for what and who i am today and tomorrow and forgiven for who and what i may have been yesterday.... love me in spite of and hopefully, eventually, because of, all of who i am..... some day....
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
perspective from the cosmos
today did not begin any more unusually than most days. i was sleepy when i woke and so was trev so it was slow going....
ultimately, we were both up, on our feet and headed our respective ways to conquer our days....
something, however, has been on my mind lately.... a few things actually but today two in particular.
tomorrow, one of these issues will come to fruition whether good or not so much so and will resolve itself shortly there after. at this point, i dont so much care what the resolution is as long as there is one at all....
today though i decided to not so much end one as to give it a little nudge. this was not me being a good person in any stretch of the imagination..... and then i read this....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today's Cancer Horoscope:
I think we can all agree it was at that point i decided to bite my tongue, suck it up, man up and be the bigger person..... this is when i decided to try my best to project love vibes.... and you know what, the other person is still who they are, whoever that may be, and i feel better and was not at all unkind in the process.....
hello willow, welcome to the high road.
ultimately, we were both up, on our feet and headed our respective ways to conquer our days....
something, however, has been on my mind lately.... a few things actually but today two in particular.
tomorrow, one of these issues will come to fruition whether good or not so much so and will resolve itself shortly there after. at this point, i dont so much care what the resolution is as long as there is one at all....
today though i decided to not so much end one as to give it a little nudge. this was not me being a good person in any stretch of the imagination..... and then i read this....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today's Cancer Horoscope:
Mar 03, 2009
A good tip for you to remember: be careful about what you say about other people, dear Cancer. If you are speaking about someone who is not present to the conversation, act as if they are. What is your motivation for saying the things you want to say? Is it really necessary to speak in such a manner? A negative comment about someone else is going to resonate in the cosmos. People will lose their trust in you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I think we can all agree it was at that point i decided to bite my tongue, suck it up, man up and be the bigger person..... this is when i decided to try my best to project love vibes.... and you know what, the other person is still who they are, whoever that may be, and i feel better and was not at all unkind in the process.....
hello willow, welcome to the high road.
this moment
3.3.09
i feel terrible that everything at the moment is going well for me. solid work, savings, fabulous son, comfortable home, running car and health to boot! (adding a rewarding school experience)
things i feel sucky about: my dads decreasing health, my exhusbands car accident (for which he has been deemed at fault), my mom and step dad out of work for about 6 months and near two years respectively and my horrible relationship with my sisters (this is nothing new and not really causing an issue for me although my dad is less than pleased)....
i am overall in a general funk for no apparent reason and have a feeling of impending doom.... perhaps it is catchy as most of the country appears to be un or under employed and certainly underpaid!
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3.22.09
i never completed the above.... i am not now certain, some threeish weeks later, quite where i was going. i do know, though, i am continuing in the same funkish outlook.
whatever is happening is not shaking. even after just completing a fabulously wonderful vacation, i am still in a horrendous funk.
i am an overly introspective individual by nature. this is who i am..... i over think just about everything. i try to stop but all this does, sadly and somewhat ironically, is lead to an even deeper level of over thinking.
lets see - march has been somewhat a turbulent and yet uneventful (other than my recently completed vacation road trip to the grand canyon) month. work has proved to be one booty kicking (of the extremely sever sort) after another. i have no desire to return to work tomorrow and do so with great trepidation and misgivings about what it is i am returning to.
i feel i am losing my gusto for school performance although not for the learning. i just have no real desire to study til my eyes pop out for the two tests i now have fast approaching on thursday. this, however, may be more a blessing than a curse. i am learning and loving what i am learning and do not seem to be as focused on the end result.... i have learned to love the journey simply for the journey's sake..... we will see what happens when i get my next set of test grades....
my desires in life have overall seemed to wane a bit..... i dont have highs or lows.... last night i was so lonely, finally alone for the first time in over a week, and just wanted to cry.... i went to lay in bed and experienced no relief; called a friend, no relief; watched a corny movie, no relief; slept and again this morning, no relief.... i needed someone near me just to be near me.....
i feel unright..... not wrong but definitely not right..... i feel nothing..... i would rather feel wrong to be honest.
i think it may be a time of change for me..... or a time for me to make a change or a time for me to find out what changed or what i want to change...... i am simply not certain what i need or want right now.
i think what i need to do is to stop trying to feel better and just allow myself to focus on this moment...... this moment seems to be a very long time unfortunately...
i feel terrible that everything at the moment is going well for me. solid work, savings, fabulous son, comfortable home, running car and health to boot! (adding a rewarding school experience)
things i feel sucky about: my dads decreasing health, my exhusbands car accident (for which he has been deemed at fault), my mom and step dad out of work for about 6 months and near two years respectively and my horrible relationship with my sisters (this is nothing new and not really causing an issue for me although my dad is less than pleased)....
i am overall in a general funk for no apparent reason and have a feeling of impending doom.... perhaps it is catchy as most of the country appears to be un or under employed and certainly underpaid!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3.22.09
i never completed the above.... i am not now certain, some threeish weeks later, quite where i was going. i do know, though, i am continuing in the same funkish outlook.
whatever is happening is not shaking. even after just completing a fabulously wonderful vacation, i am still in a horrendous funk.
i am an overly introspective individual by nature. this is who i am..... i over think just about everything. i try to stop but all this does, sadly and somewhat ironically, is lead to an even deeper level of over thinking.
lets see - march has been somewhat a turbulent and yet uneventful (other than my recently completed vacation road trip to the grand canyon) month. work has proved to be one booty kicking (of the extremely sever sort) after another. i have no desire to return to work tomorrow and do so with great trepidation and misgivings about what it is i am returning to.
i feel i am losing my gusto for school performance although not for the learning. i just have no real desire to study til my eyes pop out for the two tests i now have fast approaching on thursday. this, however, may be more a blessing than a curse. i am learning and loving what i am learning and do not seem to be as focused on the end result.... i have learned to love the journey simply for the journey's sake..... we will see what happens when i get my next set of test grades....
my desires in life have overall seemed to wane a bit..... i dont have highs or lows.... last night i was so lonely, finally alone for the first time in over a week, and just wanted to cry.... i went to lay in bed and experienced no relief; called a friend, no relief; watched a corny movie, no relief; slept and again this morning, no relief.... i needed someone near me just to be near me.....
i feel unright..... not wrong but definitely not right..... i feel nothing..... i would rather feel wrong to be honest.
i think it may be a time of change for me..... or a time for me to make a change or a time for me to find out what changed or what i want to change...... i am simply not certain what i need or want right now.
i think what i need to do is to stop trying to feel better and just allow myself to focus on this moment...... this moment seems to be a very long time unfortunately...
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