tonight, kissing trevor goodnight to "sweet sleeps" as we call them..... i kissed his ears "so he would only hear sweet words" and kissed his eyes "so he would only see sweet things" and kissed his lips "so he would only say sweet words" and kissed his head "so he would only think sweet thoughts".....
today i called him my prince.... and told him that although he may never rule kingdoms, he ruled my heart..... this is how my amazing prince went to sleep this evening.....
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Lone Star Ride 2009 - open letter to those who believed in me
Lone Star Ride 2009 wrapped up after 168 grueling miles with an emotional closing ceremony on Sunday September 27 at about 5 pm. We laughed and cried and remembered and hoped for a better future.
I felt much the same at the closing ceremonies as I did on the trail on Saturday and Sunday, although I cursed and said "seriously???" more than a few times on the trail!!
This weekend, however, was, hands down, one of the absolute best weekends of my life.
I challenged myself both physically and emotionally. I cried, I laughed and boy did I sweat!!! Before this weekend, I had not spent more than a mile at a time on my bicycle and I did not learn until Saturday morning @ 530 am that my bike was less than optimal for the type of riding I was challenging myself with; I have a hybrid and really needed a road bike.
Even still, I pushed my body harder and drove myself further that I would ever have been able to imagine. Because the route was so long and arduous, I spent a good bit of time riding on my own, with only my thoughts to keep me company.
I thought about the people I have lost in what I consider a short life. I thought about the people I still have and sometimes, too often actually, take for granted. I thought about the people I was riding for; the people who needed me to ride because they were unable. I thought about the pain I was in and how much I wanted to throw my very heavy bike down a friggin' hill..... and then I thought about what was driving me in spite of the incredible pain in both my knees, my right hip and the intense burn in my quads.
Even as I wiped dead bugs from my sunglasses and road crud from my face, I thought how blessed I was to be able to climb back on my bike and just keep going farther than I would have ever imagined was possible.
I started the ride not having any idea really what it was exactly I was getting myself into. I woke at 4 am on Saturday morning and was at the American Airlines Center by 530 am. I did not know any of the people surrounding me but that did not last long. Everyone was so warm and welcoming and friendly. I was introduced by a stranger to two other strangers who would be staying in "tent city" with me that night after 91 miles on the road. I met some of the road crew who would be riding along side us to help us, sweep us in if we needed and, most importantly, to provide the encouragement that kept us going mile after hard mile. One member of the Moto crew even road beside me as I traveled a bridge over Joe Pool lake to ensure my safety.
I don’t think I can explain very well how I felt those two days other than incredibly blessed. Although I had to climb off my bike and walk up the steepest of two different hills, I was driven to complete each and every mile, so I climbed back on and peddled away. I will share pictures when I have them but I have to say I look happier in some of these pictures than I have felt in a long time. Possibly it was exhaustion but I think it was really something more.
So now you know a little more about what it is you helped me accomplish. Saturday I was on my bike for 9.5 hours and rode 91 miles, Sunday I was on my bike for 9 hours and 77 miles. Knowing you believed in me and shared some of your very hard earned money at a time when each and every dollar counts means more to me than you can imagine. I heard your voices in my head as I pushed on. I could not imagine stopping, although there were times I really wanted to, knowing who was depending on me and who was behind me.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, not only from me but on behalf of the thousands of people your money will help feed, house, clothe and care for. Thank you for all those who need our care so much.
Sincerely,
Willow, Rider # 220
I felt much the same at the closing ceremonies as I did on the trail on Saturday and Sunday, although I cursed and said "seriously???" more than a few times on the trail!!
This weekend, however, was, hands down, one of the absolute best weekends of my life.
I challenged myself both physically and emotionally. I cried, I laughed and boy did I sweat!!! Before this weekend, I had not spent more than a mile at a time on my bicycle and I did not learn until Saturday morning @ 530 am that my bike was less than optimal for the type of riding I was challenging myself with; I have a hybrid and really needed a road bike.
Even still, I pushed my body harder and drove myself further that I would ever have been able to imagine. Because the route was so long and arduous, I spent a good bit of time riding on my own, with only my thoughts to keep me company.
I thought about the people I have lost in what I consider a short life. I thought about the people I still have and sometimes, too often actually, take for granted. I thought about the people I was riding for; the people who needed me to ride because they were unable. I thought about the pain I was in and how much I wanted to throw my very heavy bike down a friggin' hill..... and then I thought about what was driving me in spite of the incredible pain in both my knees, my right hip and the intense burn in my quads.
Even as I wiped dead bugs from my sunglasses and road crud from my face, I thought how blessed I was to be able to climb back on my bike and just keep going farther than I would have ever imagined was possible.
I started the ride not having any idea really what it was exactly I was getting myself into. I woke at 4 am on Saturday morning and was at the American Airlines Center by 530 am. I did not know any of the people surrounding me but that did not last long. Everyone was so warm and welcoming and friendly. I was introduced by a stranger to two other strangers who would be staying in "tent city" with me that night after 91 miles on the road. I met some of the road crew who would be riding along side us to help us, sweep us in if we needed and, most importantly, to provide the encouragement that kept us going mile after hard mile. One member of the Moto crew even road beside me as I traveled a bridge over Joe Pool lake to ensure my safety.
I don’t think I can explain very well how I felt those two days other than incredibly blessed. Although I had to climb off my bike and walk up the steepest of two different hills, I was driven to complete each and every mile, so I climbed back on and peddled away. I will share pictures when I have them but I have to say I look happier in some of these pictures than I have felt in a long time. Possibly it was exhaustion but I think it was really something more.
So now you know a little more about what it is you helped me accomplish. Saturday I was on my bike for 9.5 hours and rode 91 miles, Sunday I was on my bike for 9 hours and 77 miles. Knowing you believed in me and shared some of your very hard earned money at a time when each and every dollar counts means more to me than you can imagine. I heard your voices in my head as I pushed on. I could not imagine stopping, although there were times I really wanted to, knowing who was depending on me and who was behind me.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, not only from me but on behalf of the thousands of people your money will help feed, house, clothe and care for. Thank you for all those who need our care so much.
Sincerely,
Willow, Rider # 220
Friday, August 21, 2009
snippet
today i felt out of sorts..... out of my self a little.
trev and i had meet the teacher, i was tired after not getting much sleep and it was steamy outside.
even just thinking about being out around other people made me want to put on my pjs and climb into bed....
in my insane mind, i feel i am being judged.
i know it is irrational as i can not imagine i mean so much to a complete stranger that they would judge me just to have something to do..... i just dont like being around people i feel are judging me.... even though i know they probably arent.
i am judging myself by them so i assume they reach the same obvious conclusion.... that i dont belong.... and i never feel like i belong.
third wheel, fifth wheel, person who laughs too loud, says the wrong thing, cant dance, doesnt have the right clothes, doesnt drive the right car, isnt in the right place in life, doesnt live in the right neighborhood..... you name it and i am not it.
side note: i cant seem to get my thoughts together...... my head is in a space it has not been in since 2004 and i dont like it at all..... i need to snap myself out of this! i know what the problem is and i just have to wait it out.... but i want my self back and i want back now!!
trev and i had meet the teacher, i was tired after not getting much sleep and it was steamy outside.
even just thinking about being out around other people made me want to put on my pjs and climb into bed....
in my insane mind, i feel i am being judged.
i know it is irrational as i can not imagine i mean so much to a complete stranger that they would judge me just to have something to do..... i just dont like being around people i feel are judging me.... even though i know they probably arent.
i am judging myself by them so i assume they reach the same obvious conclusion.... that i dont belong.... and i never feel like i belong.
third wheel, fifth wheel, person who laughs too loud, says the wrong thing, cant dance, doesnt have the right clothes, doesnt drive the right car, isnt in the right place in life, doesnt live in the right neighborhood..... you name it and i am not it.
side note: i cant seem to get my thoughts together...... my head is in a space it has not been in since 2004 and i dont like it at all..... i need to snap myself out of this! i know what the problem is and i just have to wait it out.... but i want my self back and i want back now!!
Sunday, May 10, 2009
before
another that has come to me from a wonderful mom.... and another i do not know who to give credit to.....
Before I was a Mom,
I never tripped over toys
or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not
my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.
Before I was a Mom,
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind
and my thoughts.
I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom,
I never held down a screaming child
so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night
watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom,
I never held a sleeping baby just because
I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
when I couldn't stop the hurt..
I never knew that something so small
could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom..
Before I was a Mom,
I didn't know the feeling of
having my heart outside my body..
I didn't know how special it could feel
to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond
between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small
could make me feel so important and happy.
Before I was a Mom,
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth,
the joy,
the love,
the heartache,
the wonderment
or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much,
before I was a Mom
Before I was a Mom,
I never tripped over toys
or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not
my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.
Before I was a Mom,
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind
and my thoughts.
I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom,
I never held down a screaming child
so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night
watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom,
I never held a sleeping baby just because
I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
when I couldn't stop the hurt..
I never knew that something so small
could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom..
Before I was a Mom,
I didn't know the feeling of
having my heart outside my body..
I didn't know how special it could feel
to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond
between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small
could make me feel so important and happy.
Before I was a Mom,
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth,
the joy,
the love,
the heartache,
the wonderment
or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much,
before I was a Mom
Thursday, April 23, 2009
enough.....
this is not mine but i sure wish it was..... i do not know who should receive the credit.
I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.
I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.
Friday, April 10, 2009
shadows
my ex husband, trevor's father, is working on a super top secret mother's day present for me from trevor. he asked that i choose my favorite picture of trevor and give it to him.... he stressed to make sure it was my favorite.... i asked if he was tattooing my son with this picture as he seemed so very serious about this "favorite" status.... he assured me that, no, there will be no tattooing involved. thankfully, also, my son has said, at this point anyhow, he will not get a tattoo. possible his father and i have served as a "good" bad example in the tattoo arena.
so, the other night, when i should have been reading, i decided to peruse all of my 7 photo albums (which do not contain pictures taken since the procurement of a digital camera) with the sole purpose of finding my one single favorite picture of my incredibly adorable, uber handsome and generally amusing in front of the camera son.
this proved, as you may assume, quite a task. i have actually yet to discover the picture i would be sure enough of to call my "favorite". additionally, on top of this, i have a new problem..... if you could call it a problem.
looking at most of the pictures, i remembered good times and smiled. certainly, just looking at my son in various stages of costume, dress and undress, infant, toddler and growing kiddo, messy, clean, happy, sad, sick, injured or well brought warmth to my heart and a smile to my face.
there were photos, however, which made me sad, which gave me knots in my stomach, which made me remember times that were so incredibly painful, lonely, angry, fearful and just overall bad. even the happy photos made me sad to a degree, unfortunately, in spite of the happy memories initially triggered.
i remembered not just the day or the moment but the time. i remembered the decision to move, ultimately both a good and a bad decision, and all of the events captured through photograph which followed.
had we not moved, i cannot now say what would not have happened over the course of the next 4 years. i do not know that we would have spiraled so completely out of control to a point where ultimate implosion was inevitable. i do not know if a death would have been delayed, perhaps by years even. i do not know that i would now be a single mom, working hard and going to school trying to make life better. i do not know that i would be as strong and independent, for better or worse, as i see myself today.
i do not know that i can speak to all of the elements of my life and the lives of my family and close friends which may have been altered by this decision made 7 years ago this summer.
had we stayed, the bad we were already waist deep in would certainly not have gone away, would most likely have worsened. i feel, though, it would most likely not have culminated in the events which eventually transpired.
i believe i would be in a similar place as i am today, perhaps less focused and just a little less me.... maybe more a shadow of who i am today.
i do not know how trevor would be different, how brian would be different.... i do know, though, that the pictures make me sad when i think about what my little family was going through and am grateful beyond words i have access to that my son sees only pictures and not the memories in between.
so, the other night, when i should have been reading, i decided to peruse all of my 7 photo albums (which do not contain pictures taken since the procurement of a digital camera) with the sole purpose of finding my one single favorite picture of my incredibly adorable, uber handsome and generally amusing in front of the camera son.
this proved, as you may assume, quite a task. i have actually yet to discover the picture i would be sure enough of to call my "favorite". additionally, on top of this, i have a new problem..... if you could call it a problem.
looking at most of the pictures, i remembered good times and smiled. certainly, just looking at my son in various stages of costume, dress and undress, infant, toddler and growing kiddo, messy, clean, happy, sad, sick, injured or well brought warmth to my heart and a smile to my face.
there were photos, however, which made me sad, which gave me knots in my stomach, which made me remember times that were so incredibly painful, lonely, angry, fearful and just overall bad. even the happy photos made me sad to a degree, unfortunately, in spite of the happy memories initially triggered.
i remembered not just the day or the moment but the time. i remembered the decision to move, ultimately both a good and a bad decision, and all of the events captured through photograph which followed.
had we not moved, i cannot now say what would not have happened over the course of the next 4 years. i do not know that we would have spiraled so completely out of control to a point where ultimate implosion was inevitable. i do not know if a death would have been delayed, perhaps by years even. i do not know that i would now be a single mom, working hard and going to school trying to make life better. i do not know that i would be as strong and independent, for better or worse, as i see myself today.
i do not know that i can speak to all of the elements of my life and the lives of my family and close friends which may have been altered by this decision made 7 years ago this summer.
had we stayed, the bad we were already waist deep in would certainly not have gone away, would most likely have worsened. i feel, though, it would most likely not have culminated in the events which eventually transpired.
i believe i would be in a similar place as i am today, perhaps less focused and just a little less me.... maybe more a shadow of who i am today.
i do not know how trevor would be different, how brian would be different.... i do know, though, that the pictures make me sad when i think about what my little family was going through and am grateful beyond words i have access to that my son sees only pictures and not the memories in between.
Thursday, April 09, 2009
q&a
the answer: because mothers are expected to devote their lives to their children. fathers are not. if a mother sets aside "one special day" to "devote to her children" she is viewed as neglectful as all days should be for her children.
the question: why are fathers regarded as "exceptional" fathers when they take "one special day" to spend with their children?
i do not want this to appear in any manner that i am complaining about the time i devote to my son. i love my son and each and every moment i get to spend with him - i only wish there was more. i do, however, find it incredibly sexist to regard the father who has 95% of his time to himself as something special over the mother who devotes the same 95% (probably 98%) of her time to her child.
my schedule is quite wonderful actually. i work 5 days a week (from home) from about 7am to 4 or 5pm. tuesdays, wednesdays, fridays, saturdays and sundays i fit in time for the gym. tuesdays, wednesdays and sundays this time is usually limited to about 90 minutes. fridays and saturdays i usually get in 120 - 150 minutes. i go to school on monday and thursday nights. mondays, i take trevor to his dads and i pick trevor up from his dads when class is done. thursday, trevor stays the night with his dad as that is the way it has been for about 4 years now. fridays, trevor is with his dad as well. this night, friday, would be my one night a week, after work until 5 and the gym, to do what i please. this works fine for me (and for trevor) and i would not change what we have arranged.
i would, however, appreciate someone talking some sense into the people who see something miraculous in the following: "no work or gym friday. im devoting the day to my children" first, i would like to point out that both said children will be in school until 3 and 330. that removes a solid portion of the day. this is not miraculous..... this is a parent spending the hours of 3ish to the hours of bedtime with his children. this should be NORMAL!!!
this same father got upset with me about the cost (gasp - children are not free???) associated with the three (yes, i know) dr appointments i made the time to get trevor to this week (both during and after school). the same appointments which made me late for school and skip the gym so trev could get his homework done so he could have a playdate on wednesday..... no, there was no appreciation for my doing what i could to ensure trevor's health.... there was, "how much is this going to cost"....
i am not looking for comments about how wonderful a mother i am. i do not need to hear that it is amazing i balance so much. i do not need reassurance. what i do need is fathers to understand that time with their children is not "babysitting" and is not to be held in special regard as "above and beyond" the call of duty. be a father. be a parent. be real for your kids and teach your sons fathers have as much a responsibility to their children as the mothers do.
the question: why are fathers regarded as "exceptional" fathers when they take "one special day" to spend with their children?
i do not want this to appear in any manner that i am complaining about the time i devote to my son. i love my son and each and every moment i get to spend with him - i only wish there was more. i do, however, find it incredibly sexist to regard the father who has 95% of his time to himself as something special over the mother who devotes the same 95% (probably 98%) of her time to her child.
my schedule is quite wonderful actually. i work 5 days a week (from home) from about 7am to 4 or 5pm. tuesdays, wednesdays, fridays, saturdays and sundays i fit in time for the gym. tuesdays, wednesdays and sundays this time is usually limited to about 90 minutes. fridays and saturdays i usually get in 120 - 150 minutes. i go to school on monday and thursday nights. mondays, i take trevor to his dads and i pick trevor up from his dads when class is done. thursday, trevor stays the night with his dad as that is the way it has been for about 4 years now. fridays, trevor is with his dad as well. this night, friday, would be my one night a week, after work until 5 and the gym, to do what i please. this works fine for me (and for trevor) and i would not change what we have arranged.
i would, however, appreciate someone talking some sense into the people who see something miraculous in the following: "no work or gym friday. im devoting the day to my children" first, i would like to point out that both said children will be in school until 3 and 330. that removes a solid portion of the day. this is not miraculous..... this is a parent spending the hours of 3ish to the hours of bedtime with his children. this should be NORMAL!!!
this same father got upset with me about the cost (gasp - children are not free???) associated with the three (yes, i know) dr appointments i made the time to get trevor to this week (both during and after school). the same appointments which made me late for school and skip the gym so trev could get his homework done so he could have a playdate on wednesday..... no, there was no appreciation for my doing what i could to ensure trevor's health.... there was, "how much is this going to cost"....
i am not looking for comments about how wonderful a mother i am. i do not need to hear that it is amazing i balance so much. i do not need reassurance. what i do need is fathers to understand that time with their children is not "babysitting" and is not to be held in special regard as "above and beyond" the call of duty. be a father. be a parent. be real for your kids and teach your sons fathers have as much a responsibility to their children as the mothers do.
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